MINOR ARCANA
CUPS
King. A throned man is threatened by rising water.
You will soon have plumbing problems in your house. Occasionally
this card may imply worse disasters: floods, tidal waves, shipwrecks,
and the like. Initiates know that the captain of the Lusitania
pulled the King of Cups for his daily one-card spread on
the same day that the supreme commander of the German U-boats
pulled the Six of Clubs for his. The rest is history.
If ill-dignified: The ghost of the King of Cups in Tatters
knows that you are using this corrected deck. You’re
in deep doo-doo now. Only kidding! A brief prayer addressed
to Us, the Divine Fifi, will ensure your safety.
Queen. You have poor taste with regard to selecting
accent pieces for home decorating. Try getting your next one
from a real store rather than a garage sale, the Home Shopping
Network, or QVC. Especially for our female readers:
You enjoy contacting your Inner Queen of Cups. Like
her, you are compassionate, intuitive, sensitive and express
your feelings well. We honor you for the extraordinary
woman you are. Especially for our male readers: You
wouldn’t be caught dead contacting your Inner Queen of Cups.
Unlike her, you are mean-spirited, coldly logical, insensitive,
and profoundly uncomfortable during the extremely rare moments
you do express your feelings. Face it, you are pathetic!
Knight. Your friends say that you are romantic, sensitive,
and kind like this Knight. If ill-dignified: Your
friends really think that you are a worthless wimp.
Page. “A fish in cup is worth
two in the sea,” says this smartly attired, cute-as-a-button
Page. You can’t tell me he hasn’t gone to a gay
bar or two in his life. But I digress. This card
implies that it is time for you to go fishing. If ill-dignified:
Mercury levels are dangerously high in all nearby waters;
consider using your Tarot deck for a relaxing game of Go Fish
with a child instead. However, be respectful of the cards;
do light a candle and burn a little incense to create sacred
space just prior to the game.
Ten. You will be happily married for many years to
the spouse of your dreams. If ill-dignified: You
will have two children who will expect you to put them through
college. If extremely ill-dignified: You will have
two children whom you will put through college, but who will
barely eke out a living reading cards.
Nine. Call Jenny Craig or Weight
Watchers before it’s too late! If you are struggling
with a weight problem meditate on The Devil now; he’s mean,
ugly and fat. Do you want to look like him the rest
of your life? And tape his picture to your refrigerator
door. On the other hand, if you are fat and proud, what
the heck, adopt the magic(k)al motto of Soror (or should We say
Mater?) Cass Elliot: “Eat what thou wilt.”
Eight. You will soon journey into the Valley of the
Shadow of Death and, contrary to expectations, you will find
no Shepherd. Instead, you should have stayed put and enjoyed
the contents of the cups which you have foolishly left behind.
You never learn.
Seven.
This is your
brain on drugs last Saturday night. If ill-dignified:
This is your brain before you took the drugs.
In which case, We feel sorry for you.
Six. You have a green thumb; open
a florist shop. If ill-dignified: Your Inner Child
has found a new playmate to replace you. Now, who will
you blame for all of your problems?
Five. Daughter/Son of Earth, cry
not over spilt milk. Know that when you spill three cups,
our loving Father/Mother will send you two milkshakes.
The Universe is abundant. Of course, Waite would have preferred
malted milkshakes—but them’s the breaks.
Four.
Have you considered
Prozac? If ill-dignified: Have you considered Prozac
and cocaine or similar stimulant? Adepts don’t
call this card the Lord of Blended Drugs for nothing.
Three. You will soon attend a raucous,
decadent, boozy party and go home with the guy or gal of your
choice. On the other hand, some commentators have written
that this card indicates a time to gracefully celebrate the successful
conclusion of a worthwhile project. It is impossible to
harmonize these views. If you are unsure which way to go,
flip a coin, or, like Crowley, flip several coins and consult
the I Ching. Some Tarotist! He spent more
time flipping coins than pulling cards. Of course, if We
had felt compelled to use the Thoth deck whenever We wanted
to read cards, We would have done the same thing.
Two. The caduceus of Hermes, god of trickery and
subterfuge, hovers menacingly over a couple. Not purely
a card of love or lovers! If you are about to get married:
Consider a pre-nuptial agreement. Better safe than
sorry. If your marriage is on the rocks and your spouse
is a loony tune: Consider hiring a food and wine taster.
Better safe than sorry.
Ace. If you are a Christian: Behold, the Holy Spirit descends
to renew the power of the Grail. If you are a Neopagan:
Behold, you will soon purchase a bird bath wherein doves, pigeons
and other birds sacred to the Great Goddess will cavort.
If you don’t believe in anything: Behold, you will
soon dine on squab and wash it down with a good Chardonay.
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Copyright © 2000 James
W. Revak. All rights reserved. Version 1.0 (4/12/00).
