MINOR ARCANA
CLUBS
(Vulgarly and Incorrectly
Denominated Wands)
King. If you live in a warm climate: Lizards and salamanders will
soon infest your home. If you live in a cold climate:
Mice and roaches will soon infest your home. If you live
in New York or similar megalopolis, you don’t need the Tarot
to tell you the latter.
Queen. Uh-oh, a black cat will soon cross your path.
To ward off bad luck, obtain a sunflower and offer it up to the
Great Goddess with heartfelt prayer.
Knight. This errant Knight gallops past the Pyramid
of the Divine Fifi-Ho-Tep-Trismegista. You have an intense desire
to visit Egypt, where you lived a previous life as Cleopatra
and/or Ramses. (How come no one ever reports to Us that they
were a lowly Egyptian slave in a previous life?).
Page. A
young man contemplates a tall phallus. If you are under eighteen
years old: Adolescent angst will soon strike you. If you
are over eighteen years old: You know that this is pseudo-Freudian
BS, which you should ignore.
Ten. This
card depicts a man who feels burdened with the onerous task of
selling balloons. The image reveals that the balloons do
not exist. Instead, you see only clubs which symbolize their
imaginary strings. If this man only looked up, smiled,
and affirmed, “These balloons are nonexistent. I am one
with the Spirit of the Universe. I choose to be happy now,”
his burden would lift. In practical Tarot work, this “allegory”
reminds you that commentators are often full of insipid New Age
BS, which you should ignore.
Nine. You
will soon attempt to read Waite’s The Pictorial Key to
the Tarot; you will soon get a migraine. If ill-dignified:
You will soon attempt to read Waite’s The Holy Kabbalah;
you will soon plunge into suicidal depression.
Eight. You will travel by air in the near future.
So will terrorists. Be certain to pay attention to the
airline attendant when he/she tells you how to turn your seat
into a flotation device. If reversed: Your flight
will be delayed, your flight will be canceled, you will re-consider
flying, you will travel by boat, you will travel by ground, you
will refuse to travel by air because your Shadow Personality
(or Inner Child) fears flying, you will tell your Shadow Personality
(or Inner Child) to “screw off” and overcome your fear
of flying, or you will grow wings and fly the friendly skies
during a cheap, pseudo-shamanic, drug-induced trance. In
practical Tarot work, these reversed “meanings” remind
you that nobody has a clue with regard to reading reversed cards.
So why are you reading this?
Seven. Like the mean-spirited, narrow-minded occultist
you are, you will soon mount a vicious magic(k)al attack on a
fellow Tarotist because he/she disagrees with you concerning
the meaning of the magic(k)al formula which appears on this card.
Shame on you! If ill-dignified: You will soon be
the subject of such a vicious attack and your local occult
bookstore will inform you that special ordering Dion Fortune’s
Psychic Self-Defense will take three to four weeks.
Six. This card indicates glory, successful issue,
and, most of all, victory following effective address.
Also, you will soon win at one of the following games: Scrabble,
Monopoly, strip poker, Goetic evocation, or, perhaps most appropriately,
betting at the horse track. Celebrate! But know,
Daughter/Son of Earth, sic transit gloria mundi.
If ill-dignified: Try a dog track.
Five. Don’t be fooled. Contrary to what
many wimps say concerning sports and competition, this card teaches
you a vital truth: it is not how you play the game; it
is whether you win or loose. Ask any of the many Olympic
and professional athletes, who regularly use steroids and other
performance enhancers.
Four. You will soon attend a traditional
Jewish wedding. If it were a circumcision you would have
probably drawn the Ace of Swords. If ill-dignified:
The groom will cut his foot on the glass. If, by chance
it is a circumcision, the rabbi will slip. Ouch!
Three.
A man surveys
a sea. You deeply desire to take a cruise on the Mediterranean,
but your Inner Teacher deeply desires to take a cruise on the
Collective Unconscious. You and your Inner Teacher should
discuss both possibilities and find a win-win resolution to this
conflict.
Two.
According to
Waite, this card depicts “the sadness of Alexander amidst
the grandeur of this world’s wealth.” You should
be so lucky. You’ll barely have enough cash to pay
your rent this month.
Ace.
Treasure found,
fecundity, elevation, growth, expansion, joy, great glory, explosive
felicity, priapic ecstasy and all else which is implied by the
image of this card. In other words, if you are a man:
You will soon have a good time of your own making. If
you are a woman: You suffer from penis envy.
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Copyright © 2000 James
W. Revak. All rights reserved. Version 1.0 (4/9/00).
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