COINS
(Vulgarly and Incorrectly
Denominated Pentacles)
King. You will soon have extreme weed problems in
your vegetable garden. Take precautionary steps now!
If ill-dignified: The weeds will get the better of you
as they did this poor King; don’t think about even a mediocre
harvest.
Queen.
She is called
by adepts: Mistress of the Bunnies and Beasts. This card
implies that you will soon enjoy the companionship of a pet rabbit,
eat your pet rabbit for dinner, or seek initiation into Black
Goetic Bunny Magic(k). (Lovers of bunnies, don’t even
ask me to describe the latter!)
Knight.
Your friends
say that you are responsible, persevering, methodical, and detail-oriented
like this Knight. If ill-dignified: Your friends
really think that you are unbearably anal.
Page. Your friends say that you are
intelligent, well-read, learned, and scholarly like this Page.
If ill-dignified: Your friends really think that you are
a boring egghead.
Ten.
Someone in your
family is about to disinherit you. Call your favorite telephone
“psychic” or “Tarot reader” to learn the
details now. With the first three minutes free and each
additional minute costing only $4.99, that’s only $284 for
the first hour (do the math!); it’s a bargain if it means
keeping your rightful inheritance. However, if you are
an egghead: you will soon feel a strong need to read Homer’s
Odyssey.
Nine.
You may think
you are big and important, but you’re no bigger or more
important than a lowly garden snail. You may think you
are sophisticated and cultured, but you’re no more sophisticated
and cultured than a falcon eating its still-warm dinner.
If you are an avid gardener: Expect a bumper crop of blueberries
this season.
Eight. You will soon make Christmas
tree ornaments. If ill-dignified: We apologize;
you are non-Christian. Please select another card.
Seven. If you hate to garden, why
bother? Get a life! If ill-dignified: You will soon
loose your shirt in pumpkin futures. Your broker warned
you.
Six. You will soon enjoy material
prosperity and a significant increase in your credit line.
Furthermore, you will soon generously give from your abundance
to those less fortunate. Only kidding! This time
next month your credit cards will be maxed out and you’ll
be living on the street like the two poor slobs pictured here.
Five.
This is a “card
of love and lovers,” according to Waite. (I am not
making this up!) I wonder how well he thinks the artist
captured these qualities here. You have my permission, nay, instructions,
to ignore Waite whenever he says something stupid.
Four. The Coins are symbols of cymbals;
you will soon hear an exciting live band with a great percussionist.
If ill-dignified: You will be home, alone, and without
a date Saturday night, when you will hear a “great”
percussionist during a rerun of the Lawrence Welk Show.
Three.
You will soon
build the luxurious home of your dreams for you and your family.
If ill-dignified: You will soon receive a message concerning
the many, many mortgage payments which you will have to make.
Two. For our male readers:
You will soon overcome financial difficulties by balancing your
checkbook regularly and sticking to a prudent budget. We
honor you on your journey of fiscal responsibility. For
our lady readers: You will soon blow your disposable income
for the entire month on a stunningly chic hat. You silly, irresponsible
female! If ill-dignified: A fly belt on your car
will soon break.
Ace.
Waite says that
this card means “perfect contentment, felicity, ecstasy”.
In other words, if you are single: You will soon go on
a hot date. If you are married: You will soon have
a hot affair. If ill-dignified and you are married:
Your spouse will catch you. If ill-dignified and
you are single: A social disease will catch you.
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Copyright © 2000 James
W. Revak. All rights reserved. Version 1.0 (4/12/00).
