Tarot Foolery
By James W. Revak
Tarot Foolery
By James W. Revak
Once upon a time on a cold winter day three Tarotists, Bill, Jill, and Babs had a very, very, very Tower morning.
On the way to the Eleventh Annual International Tarot-Cabala Correspondences Convention in Pittsburgh their car skidded out of control on an icy street and they instantly died. I told you they had a very, very, very Tower morning.
The first Tarotist, Bill, appeared before the Judgment Throne of Hermes Trismegistus outside the gates of Paradise, where the blessed souls read and discuss Tarot eternally. Divine Hermes, asked. “Do you wish to enter Paradise, my son?”
“Yes, Divine Hermes, Sir, I sure do,” he replied.
“Are you wise in the traditions of Our Most Precious Book Commonly Called Tarot?” asked Hermes.
“Yes, Divine Hermes, Sir, I sure am; I’ve been a member of the Pasta Astra Golden Sunset Boulevard Temple for forty-two years, where I have been admitted to the grade of Magus Supremus, and even once summoned J. Edgar Hoover to physical appearance,” he answered.
“That’s very heartening. Thank you for sharing. But on to more important things. Answer correctly but one question about our Most Precious Book Commonly Called Tarot, and We will open the gates of Paradise for you. Answer correctly or I must cast you into the Black Ever Rolling Abyss to suffer eternally. Tell me, my son, which Hebrew letter corresponds to the Fool?” queried the Divine Hermes.
“That’s easy, Divine Hermes, Sir, the Secret Chiefs of the Pasta Astra Golden Sunset Boulevard Temple and J. Edgar Hoover have entrusted me, their high-level initiate, with this secret. It is Aleph!”
Suddenly, a thundering buzzer sounded BRRRRRRT! The Divine Hermes shook his head sadly and with a wave of his wand cast Bill into the Black Ever Rolling Abyss, wherein he is required to give readings to grumpy Goetic demons using the Herbal Tarot eternally.
The second Tarotist, Jill, next appeared before the Divine Hermes who asked, “Do you wish to enter Paradise, my daughter?”
“You bet your sweet bippy, Mr. Hermes, I sure do,” she replied.
“Bippies aside, my daughter, are you wise in the traditions of Our Most Precious Book Commonly Called Tarot?” asked Divine Hermes.
“No sweat, Mr. Hermes. I’ve read every book by the supreme magi Moses, Solomon, Trithemius, Agrippa, Dee, Lévi, Papus, Mathers, and Crowley—not to mention Your own concise but ever popular Emerald Tablet. Heck, I’ve even translated it into Enochian,” she answered.
“That’s very heartening. Thank you for sharing. But on to more important things. Answer correctly but one question about our Most Precious Book Commonly Called Tarot, and We will open the gates of Paradise for you. Answer correctly or I must cast you into the Black Ever Rolling Abyss to suffer eternally. Tell me, my daughter, which Hebrew letter corresponds to the Fool?” queried the Divine Hermes.
“Piece of cake, Mr. Hermes; occasional blinds aside, my study of the supreme magi have made this clear to me. It is Beth!”
Suddenly, a thundering buzzer sounded BRRRRRRT! The Divine Hermes shook his head sadly and with a wave of his wand cast Jill into the Black Ever Rolling Abyss, wherein she is required to give readings to the spirits of former members of Hell’s Angels using Motherpeace for eternity.
The third Tarotist, Babs, next appeared before the Divine Hermes who asked her, “Do you wish to enter Paradise, my daughter?”
“Yes, Sir, I do,” she replied.
“Are you wise in the traditions of Our Most Precious Book Called Tarot?” asked Hermes.
“No Sir,” Babs answered while butterflies danced in her tummy. “I bought and studied every deck ever published by U.S. Games and every book on the cards ever published by Llewellyn, but I still didn’t understand Tarot. Then I studied Lévi but I still didn’t understand. Then I studied Crowley and read the Book of Thoth 666 times, but I still didn’t understand. Then I tackled Waite’s complete works—that was the year I had my nervous breakdown. Then. . . .”
“Don’t worry—this will be quick,” the Divine Hermes said as he interrupted her with a waive of His hand. “Answer correctly or I must cast you into the Black Ever Rolling Abyss to suffer eternally. Tell me, my daughter, which Hebrew letter corresponds to the Fool?” queried the Divine Hermes.
Babs sank into thought as she knit her brow and scratched her head. Suddenly she looked the Divine Hermes in the eye, arched one eyebrow ever so slightly, and asked, “Did You have a particular system of correspondences in mind, Sir?”
Suddenly, from golden trumpets sounded fanfares, red roses rained from the Heavens, and the Divine Hermes smiled broadly. “Wisely and correctly answered, good and faithful daughter, you may enter Paradise,” he said.
Since that day Babs resides in Paradise where she enjoys the Beatific Vision except on Thursday evenings when she volunteers to teach remedial Cabala to the poor suffering souls in the Black Ever Rolling Abyss.
Illustration (top): Hermes Trismegistus, adapted from Johann Theodor de Bry’s engraving in Jean-Jacques Boissard’s De divinatione et magicis praestigiis (c. 1616). Hermes Trismegistus was a mythical Ancient Egyptian god or prophet. According to some legends, he is the purported creator of the Tarot.
Illustration (bottom): The Magician as Hermes Trismegistus from The Spiral Tarot by Kay Steventon (copyright © 1997 U.S. Games Systems). Click on the image for a larger one.
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